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Jokes
Oct 28, 2008 10:54:52 GMT -4
Post by Sonja on Oct 28, 2008 10:54:52 GMT -4
1.Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 2. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 3.Why are igloos round? -So that penguins can't hide in the corners 4.Why did the penguin put lipstick on her head? -So she could make-up her mind. Share more jokes in this thread
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Paola Harrison
Whisper Words Of Wisdom
Official Georgie's Gal :D
Posts: 115
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Jokes
Oct 28, 2008 23:42:07 GMT -4
Post by Paola Harrison on Oct 28, 2008 23:42:07 GMT -4
^^LOL! ;D Why did the cat join the Red Cross? - Because he wanted to be an aid-kit ;D Sorry, it was too silly...
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Jokes
Oct 29, 2008 5:34:25 GMT -4
Post by Sonja on Oct 29, 2008 5:34:25 GMT -4
LOL Of course not 6.What kind of dance you do on a trampoline? -Hip-Hop 7.Why the first president of U.S.A. is known as a very clean person? -Because he's George WASHington.
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Dude
Whisper Words Of Wisdom
Posts: 145
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Jokes
Oct 31, 2008 5:52:18 GMT -4
Post by Dude on Oct 31, 2008 5:52:18 GMT -4
8.A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
LOL
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Jokes
Oct 31, 2008 6:31:11 GMT -4
Post by Sani on Oct 31, 2008 6:31:11 GMT -4
9.A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
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Jokes
Nov 6, 2008 13:56:35 GMT -4
Post by Sonja on Nov 6, 2008 13:56:35 GMT -4
10.There was 3 men an englishman, a german and a scotishman they were all stuck on a island. One day they found a lamp they rubbed it and a genie came out. He said "you all get one wish". So the englishman said "I wish I lived in a large stone mansion", and off he went. Then the german said "I want to get in a nice hot jacuzzi", and off he went. Then the scotishman said "I'm lonely I wish me island friends were back", so they came back.
11.A man walked into a diner, and he sits down. The waitress comes up to him and says the special for today is Split Pea Soup. And boy does the man love split pea soup. So he orders a bowl. The waitress says "Sorry sir, but I just served our last bowl to that guy over there." The other man says "Here, you can have it, I don't need it." The first man accepts it and thanks the other man. So the man starts digging into the soup and its the best soup he's ever had. After a little bit, he sees a mouse in his soup and throws up. The other man says "Yeah, I got that far too when I threw up."
12.-Why are you crying Mike? -I just had a dream!There was fire in the school... -Don't worry, that was only a dream. -Yeah, that's why I'm crying...
13.The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!
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Jokes
Nov 6, 2008 13:58:42 GMT -4
Post by Sonja on Nov 6, 2008 13:58:42 GMT -4
14.Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
15.Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
16.A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"
17.A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon!"
18.In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
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Jokes
Nov 6, 2008 14:00:01 GMT -4
Post by Sani on Nov 6, 2008 14:00:01 GMT -4
LOL! Funny jokes you got there!!! hehe ;D I got a long one here but it's funny 19.A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance." The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?" "What? You no see Butcher Dance?" "No, I've never heard of it." "Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?" "Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?" "No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree." "Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?" "Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance." "Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance." "OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance." So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night. He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek. When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men. Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance. "Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance." "Well, when do you hold the next dance?" "Not 'til next year." "Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?" "No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year." The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home. The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements. Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon. "The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!" The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time." Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?" "Hush," whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year." The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind. The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing, He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."
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Dude
Whisper Words Of Wisdom
Posts: 145
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Jokes
Nov 6, 2008 14:05:12 GMT -4
Post by Dude on Nov 6, 2008 14:05:12 GMT -4
20.There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again." 21.A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." 22.A mother is reading a book to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" The wide-eyed little 3 year-old looks up at her mother and in her deepest voice replies, "Bud." 23.After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?" 24.Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?" The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate." "Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate." "Karate," she yells. "Karate I disagree!" 25.Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." P.S. Paulie I love the "fire in the school" joke VERY FUNNY LOL
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Jokes
Nov 6, 2008 14:11:58 GMT -4
Post by Sani on Nov 6, 2008 14:11:58 GMT -4
26.One day Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water to cook dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared as I am, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
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Jokes
Nov 6, 2008 14:13:03 GMT -4
Post by Sani on Nov 6, 2008 14:13:03 GMT -4
27.A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
28.They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning." "But, madam!", replied the bellman. "Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager." "Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"
29.There was once a little boy who got very good grades, straight A's on every subject on every report card. His name was Billy. His father was very proud of him, and decided to give him one thing every year, whatever he wanted. The little boy, for one odd reason or another, chose a pink golf ball, each and every year. So finally, when the boy was sixteen, the dad got fed up with it and bought him a car. The son was fine with this, and took it on a joyride down to his favorite restaurant. He didn't want to drivethrough and he couldn't find a parking spot, but finally he found a spot on the other side of the street. He walked across happily, and halfway across, was hit by a truck. On his deathbed, the wounds were fatal, he was asked by his father: "What did you do with the pink golf balls?" The son replied: "Well I ---" With that he died. The moral is that you should look both ways before crossing the street.
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Jokes
Nov 6, 2008 14:13:07 GMT -4
Post by Sani on Nov 6, 2008 14:13:07 GMT -4
30. An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL damn DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"
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Dude
Whisper Words Of Wisdom
Posts: 145
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Jokes
Feb 4, 2009 15:16:58 GMT -4
Post by Dude on Feb 4, 2009 15:16:58 GMT -4
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice? A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road? A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach? A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
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Jokes
Feb 9, 2009 9:43:42 GMT -4
Post by Sonja on Feb 9, 2009 9:43:42 GMT -4
A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
"Nope," says the boy, "not for my mom."
The cashier responds, "Well, then they must be for your sister then?"
"Nope," says the boy, "not for my sister, neither."
The cashier is now curious, "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"
The nine-year-old says, "They're for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either of those things."
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Paola Harrison
Whisper Words Of Wisdom
Official Georgie's Gal :D
Posts: 115
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Jokes
Feb 14, 2009 13:58:14 GMT -4
Post by Paola Harrison on Feb 14, 2009 13:58:14 GMT -4
A girl asks to her mom "How babies are born?" The mom tells her: "One morning, I went to the garden and took the most beautiful flower I could find. I put it in a little box under my bed and when I opened it nine months later, I found you. Why did you want to know?" The girl told her "because I want to have a baby". Then, she ran to the garden, cut a flower and put it in a box under her bed. Nine months later, she opened the box and found a cockroach. With horror, she took it in her hands and said "Be sure that if you wasn't my daughter, I would kill you"
;D
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Feb 14, 2009 15:42:57 GMT -4
Post by Sonja on Feb 14, 2009 15:42:57 GMT -4
hahaah very funny Paola! Like it
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Paola Harrison
Whisper Words Of Wisdom
Official Georgie's Gal :D
Posts: 115
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2009 19:57:01 GMT -4
Post by Paola Harrison on Feb 17, 2009 19:57:01 GMT -4
^;D thanks!
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Jokes
Mar 31, 2017 7:51:20 GMT -4
via mobile
Post by Walrus on Mar 31, 2017 7:51:20 GMT -4
13.The Crist family worked at a zoo I can't believe that former Florida Governor and current Representstive Charlie Crist's family work at a zoo
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Post by Walrus on Mar 31, 2017 8:04:46 GMT -4
24.Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?" The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate." "Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate." "Karate," she yells. "Karate I disagree!" wtf does this mean I don't get how that's a punchline
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Post by Walrus on Mar 31, 2017 8:11:15 GMT -4
OKAY I found the original joke and it's actually Which I guess means that "my butt" is censored here?
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